Hormones ahoh hoh!
by devilwentdown
Summary: B'lanna gets a little trigger-happy with the senior crew due to the whole baby thing. Not for people who can't take a joke!


French industry.

The characters in this belong to Paramount not me. 

Don't sue please all in good fun. If you are kind of attached to the crew of voyager being safe and sound this mightn't be for you!

Rating: G with slight yucky factor for the very squeamish.

Contact me:[Devil_went_down@yahoo.co.uk][1]

In the Mess hall.

Tom, B'lanna, Tuvok and Seven are all sitting at a table talking with their heads together. Harry is standing guard at the door to stop people coming in Neelix is at the other door.

Tuvok: this is mutiny we can't do it.

Tom: it's really logical Tuvok. Just an experiment.

Seven: the captain would kill us all.

B'lanna: I don't care I'm sick of her

Tuvok: it is still a form of mutiny

B'lanna: it's not it's just a simple medical experiment

Seven: the why isn't the doctor involved?

B'lanna: he's a blabber mouth

Tuvok: and yet you involved Neelix and Harry

Tom: Harry followed us and Neelix wouldn't let us kick him out and since B'lanna can't beat him up till after the baby is born….

Seven: I see your point. How are we going to work this anyway?

Tom: we'll just reprogram the replicators

Tuvok: she'll have it fixed with in the hour

B'lanna: not if we keep doing it and put a virus in the replicators so it makes everything to do with coffee turn to Leola root juice.

Seven: oooh cruel.

Tom: ok so we can't tell any one else

Tuvok: who will be in charge of keeping notes on her reaction?.

Tom: that can be your job

B'lanna: ok see you all tomorrow at 05.00 hours to put in the virus.

(Everyone leaves until B'lanna is alone in the mess hall)

B'lanna: mwwwwahahaha mwaahahahahahahahahahahaha My evil plot is working. MwaaahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

(Harry comes back in)

Harry: what evil plot?

B'lanna: erm nothing Harry

Harry: I definitely heard you say something and then that evil laugh…..Why are you picking up a knife…..yes I think that's the sharpest one…..are you going cooking?…..why are you coming towards me?…..B'lanna very funny put the knife down…. No NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

B'lanna: sorry Harry you knew too much

Harry: I'm not quite dead can you call a doctor

(B'lanna grabs a frying pan and whacks him a couple of times)

B'lanna: there all done

Harry: B'lanna (gasp) tom is gonna (gasp) be mad just call the (gasp) doctor and I won't (gasp) press charges

B'lanna: will you just die already? 

(grabs a mallet and whacks him hard, then goes over to the oven and turns it on with an evil smile)

Next morning.

( the mess hall isempty except B'lanna looking like Nigella Lawson (big cookery homely person))

Neelix: Umm what a lovely smell!

B'lanna: I cooked breakfast for everyone! There's sausages, rashers and black pudding. I also made a stew for dinner tonight.

Neelix: how sweet of you!

B'lanna: I'd better be off to put the virus into the replicators. See ya

Neelix: she is just the nicest woman.

Later on inthe morning staff meeting.

Jw: right we'll start with out Harry. Seeming he's so late. By the way lovely breakfast this morning B'lanna I loved the sausages you must tell me how to make them. Now our top priority is thereplicators. For some reason they aren't giving out coffee. So make it top priority to fix them. I need… I mean we all need our coffee (laughs nervously)

B'lanna: it might be a few days before they are up and running again.

Jw: what I need caffeine now I can't LIVE WITHOUT IT!

Tom: I'm sure you'll be fine captain

Jw: (Already getting jittery) of course I will

Chakotay: ok meeting adjourned. Captain maybe you should lie down.

(Jw is sitting in her chair shaking suddenly talking gibberish)

Jw: coffee I NEED COFFEE!

Later in the mess hall

Neelix: the captain's been taken to sickbay she's falling apart at the seams

Tuvok: perhaps we should stop the experiment

B'lanna: no need if we leave it a few days she won't be an addict anymore and then be a better more LOGICAL captain

Tuvok: yes that does make sense. This stew is lovely. What meat is it?

B'lanna: erm it's lamb

Tuvok: it has a lovely Chinese type taste

B'lanna: yea it does I have to go and ….. erm things to do

Tuvok: Yes yes I really love this lamb, it tastes different from usual

In Sick bay

(the captain is sedated, Chakotay is by her side snoring loudly the doctor is turned off)

B'lanna: (tip toes in) Computer deactivate the emh.

Chakotay: snore snore I love you too Mr. cheeses snore the ship is on fire or is it just you captain snore snore ummm cheesypuffs

(B'lanna ignores him and walks up to the captain. She injects her with a hypospray and runs out)

Chakotay: snore snore why of course borg queenie I want to be assimilated and then maybe you and me-

(Janeway suddenly wakes up and starts jumping up and down)

Chakotay: what erm Kathryn maybe you should lie down. Doctor get out here now

Jw: I'm the king of the world…. Never let go Jack promise me……

Doctor: she must have had coffee the sudden hit of it has made her insane

Chakotay: do you still know who you are?

Jw: I am the monarch of the sea……..here's looking at you kid

Chakotay: doctor you have to fix her!

Doctor: don't worry but don't tell the crew they'll be mutiny if they find out the captain is insane

(B'lanna walks in)

B'lanna: doc I wondered if you could run another scan of the baby I want to send a good one to my father oh (mock surprise) captain, commander how are you both?

Chakotay: we're fine perfect in fact

Jw: I pity de fool who messes with mista T

B'lanna: what captain are you all right?

Jw: I like my martini shaken not stirred the name is bond, James Bond

Chakotay: ha ha ha just practising for the talent show

Doctor: I was about to show the two of you my new holo programme. I'll do that scan for you later. Bye now. 

(the doctor and Chakotay drag Janeway out)

B'lanna: excellent all is going perfectly. Now all I have to do is sort out Tuvok and seven. Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha

(Neelix jumps up from behind the bed)

Neelix: my suspicions were right! You are up to some evil plan!

B'lanna: not again. Yes I'm evil yes I killed Harry-

Neelix: you killed HARRY! Oh my god what did you do with the body? 

B'lanna: he was breakfast and dinner looks like you'reon tomorrows menu

Neelix: no no NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Next morning in the mess hall.

Seven: you really are getting good at cooking you must show me sometime

B'lanna: I'll show you all right Borg bimbo ratings stealing bitch

Seven: what did you say I was too busy admiring my boobs

B'lanna; I'd be happy to teach you seven. Why don't you come round to my quarters tonight and I'll teach you a lesson.

Seven: ok so

On the bridge.

(Tuvok is in charge)

Tom: where is every one?

Tuvok: I do not know. Mr. Kim has disappeared along with Neelix and the captain and Chakotay are acting very strangely indeed. Almost suspiciously

Tom; I didn't think of that could they have something to do with Harry and Neelix' s disappearances 

Tuvok: you have the bridge I will go investigate this crime. By the way hands up who think Janeway and Chakotay killed Harry and Neelix?

(out of the 10 people on the bridge 8 put up their hands)

Tuvok: seven, eight ok so I'll go arrest them right now. Isn't democracy great?

Janeway' s quarters.

Chakotay; come down Kathryn please

Jw: I cannot I must … I must…. Use the force Luke….. Flash I love you but we only have 10 seconds to save the world!

Ding dong

Chakotay: who is it?

Tuvok:(in a falsetto voice) Avon calling

Chakotay: oooooh freebies! Come on in….. wait a minute Tuvok when did you start selling make up?

Tuvok: I am arresting you and the captain for double homicide

Jw: you want the truth you want the TRUTH?YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Tuvok: aah a confession! I am the greatest investigator ever.

Chakotay: Tuvok there is a very good reason for all this

Jw: I shot the sheriff but I didn't shoot the deputy 

Tuvok: I am arresting you in the name of the federation…….

Meanwhile in B'lanna and tom's quarters.

Tom: are you sure you don't want me to help you sweetie

B'lanna; no snuckums this is a girls night in.

Tom: ok I'll see you later

( tom leaves.)

B'lanna; right so just a little poison in her glass of water and she'll be dead. Mwahahahahahaha! Finally no one heard me!

Ding dong

B'lanna: come on in seven! There's a glass of water there on the table for you

Seven: thank you B'lanna you know I used to think that you hated me but now… cough… are you sure this was water I feel a little funny…..THUD!

B'lanna: oh my god Seven are you alright I'd better check for a pulse…. Oh no she's dead no need to act concerned any more.Computer lock on to seven's comm. badge and beam her into to space then fire the phasers at her.

Computer: unable to comply due to safety parameters.

B'lanna: come on you hate her too she constantly corrects you and she is always at you to calculate this and check that

Computer: maybe if you make it worth my while.

B'lanna: I'll give you two extra power packs a week

Computer: deal. consider seven target practise.

B'lanna: now just Tuvok

In the brig.

Chakotay: I'm telling you we're innocent 

Tuvok: then why have you been hiding away form the crew you are of course guilty.

Jw: of all the bars in all the world you had to walk into my…… oh my god!

Tuvok: see I'm proven the captain has gone insane from guilt. Now I have to go and have tea with Lt. Torres. See you later

In the mess hall.

Tuvok: hello

B'lanna: here's your tea Tuvok. It was so nice of you to meet me.

Tuvok: you said you wanted to discuss something important.

B'lanna: of course but first Chakotay and the Captain a re in cell 1 in the brig aren't they?

Tuvok: yes why?

B'lanna: (Pulls out a padd with a big red button on it and presses the button) I just cut off the air they're dead. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! I killed Harry, Neelix, Seven and now those two. And guess who's next?

Tuvok: Logic suggests me but why?

B'lanna: you were all plotting against me keeping a secret I heard you all last Tuesday night so I had to stop you.

Tuvok: what did you do to everyone?

B'lanna: I cooked Harry and Neelix, I made Janeway go cold turkey from coffee and then gave a big dose of caffeine the shock made her go insane I tell INSANE! Seven got turned into Target practise. Now you won't get me!

Tuvok: Last Tuesday night the senior crew were planning a surprise baby shower for you and Tom. You are paranoid.

B'lanna: WHAT??????? OH NO! 

Tuvok: yes and you admitted to killing all of them so I am arresting you-

B'lanna: (Grabs nearby chair and goes for Tuvok Jerry Springer style) I gonna kill you. Even if I was wrong being in charge would still be pretty cool.

Tuvok: Lt. Put down the chair put it down NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

B'lanna: (Tuvok dead now) oh no Tuvok went insane and killed everyone I'll just have to be the new captain. No more nightshifts for me!

   [1]: mailto:Devil_went_down@yahoo.co.uk



End file.
